This blog begins with a pasta commercial. *Dim Lights*
I don’t think we’ve heard the whole story here. Everything seems so perfect, right? I mean, Barilla Plus, hot sister, such a good mum, random hawt italian guy, dad who stays out of everything which is for the best frankly, quiet contended kids, a room full of steam, Barilla Plus, and fucking Italy! A VILLA OR SOMESHIT!
Well, here’s some dialogue I found on a dictaphone on an empty seat next to me on a bus. Of course I’ve translated the Italian, since Enzo, as I’m calling him only abruptly answers you in Italian.
TUSCANY, SOME SLUT’S VILLA
Such a good mum: Oh Enzo. Hi -oop… Ciao!
Enzo: Ciao Bella. Where are your kids, I am here to be adored by them.
Such a good mum: Oh Enzo, they’ll be out of the bath any moment now, do you want some Fresh Italian Wine?
Enzo: I’ve brought a blindfold. Bring your children to me now.
Such a good mum: The kids adore you.
Enzo: Si. Perfecto.
Enzo’s general weirdness wasn’t the only thing going awry that day.
Things we’ve learned from this:
1. Blindfold came springing off in some takes, which producers found all-too-sexual and weird
2. Stupid whores need to be taught how to eat.
Director : So you eat it, and, well, you eat it like this.
Such a good mum: *nods sagely*
N.b. she still fails miserably at eating the Barilla Plus later.
3. All were in agreement: The steam is actually fucking gross, EW GET IT AWAY
4. Director’s cut: “So after you say ‘Si, Perfecto,’ stand up and start choking her like this”
5. When the rest of the cast and crew challenged his choice of ending he wielded two sharpened stainless steel pasta spoons and whipped them around at people. No pasta was served with these spoons. Only revenge, complete with omega-3’s.
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