Hi, I’m Method Man. Not long after I started calling myself Method Man did I begin to have a great respect for everything that I encountered in life that was more methodical than I. I think we all know that the German people are extremely methodical, not to mention civilized. This, and the rich culture of bratwurst, lederhosen, buxom blonde waitresses serving beer, and the word ,,Schallplattenleger” have effected my great affinity for the German people.
My fellow Wu-Tang musicians, not least Ghostface who to be honest is kind of a overachievementface, have always encouraged me to broaden my horizons and educate myself further. After a long debate about whether my rap has become boring and work-a-day, Rza, wise as he is, suggested that I begin German classes. He said that taking a class most certainly has never been done in the history of Hip-Hop. It was then that I knew what I had to do. I had to become an Envoy of German culture and language to Wu-Tang and the entire world of Hip-Hop, and this had to happen as soon as possible.
A week later I was finally not too stoned to call my local community college and begin the process of enrolling in classes. Although the application process was somewhat difficult (they demanded that I produce proof that I had graduated high school. This is really unfair, especailly for someone who hadn’t graduated high school) I was able to enroll in all fifteen German classes that were offered.
Day Eins of German One
Teacher: Hallo alle, Ich bin Sabine. Herr Method Mann, you’re raising your hand.
Me, Method Man: Eins, zwei, drei, vier, funf, SECHS mothaFUCKA
Teachy: Sehr gut, Herr Method Mann. You are so intelligent of German and we have not even introduced ourselfs!
Class: hahahahahahahahahahahaha
Teacher: Also gut, was ist dein Name?
Me: Ich heisse Method Man. Ich bin ein Mitglied des Wu-Tangs, REUNITED BITCHES
Class: haha
Day Zwei, After Class
Teacher: Ich wollte dich gern fikken, Method Mann. (I’d fuck you gladly, Method Man)
Me: Sheisse Bitch, you WHITE and I can’t even speak German yet.
Teacher: I fucking know, it sucks. LET’S GO TO THE WU-TANG MANSION
Later, at the Wu-Tang Mansion
Me: *Basically ignoring her, scribbling lyrics tentatively on a blunt wrap*
Teacher: You know, I could really help you with your art.
Me: I’m from fucking Staten Island, I don’t think I need anyone’s help. Although I would like to bring the German language to Hip-Hop. I think this whole sequence has something to do with that.
Teacher: *guiding Method Mann’s hand* Here, let me… help you. Lass mich dir helfen.
Hours later, the two wake from a daze in the mud room. All sweaty.
Me: Damn girl, German is quite a powerful language.
Day Drei, In class
Me: Hallo alle, Ich habe meinen Lied ,,M.E.T.H.O.D. Mann” wieder geschieben. Kann ich es fuer euch singen? (rewrote M.E.T.H.O.D. Man”, ayite)
Teacher: Bitte!
Me: I’ ll fuckin binden Sie zu einem fuckin Bedpost
mit Ihren asscheeks heraus spread und Scheiße.
Nicht Wahr?
Setze einen hänger auf einen fuckin stove und lassen Sie
das Scheiße dort während wie einer halben Stunde sitzen
Beseitigen Sie sie und stick it in Ihrem ass all slow like
Tssssssss
Ich werde sew your asshole shut and keep feedin dich und feedin dich
Class: (uproar now impossible to repress. This is now known as the moment the German language was brought to hip hop, for all eternity)
Post a Comment