Cousin Hoyt

Yesterday my mind spontaneously saw Nastia Liukin and ANTM contestant Katarzyna. But that was September 24th (the past) and every day is full of internet-induced flashbacks. Today’s came courtesy of Chris. “Don’t dis the arpeggi,” he says.

It was 1996, and I was a fleece-wearing weekly-showered lad who just didn’t fit in with the other boys. So I went to the mall with girls, listened to Kiss 108FM and went as far as arguing, albeit with whimsy, about who won “The Boy Is Mine.” Now I know tons of people had heated-ass arguments online about this.

nastia: do u like the boy is mine
katarzyna: omg yes. <3 do u?
nastia: yea brandy is a good singar
katarzyna: tru but i like monica's sultry alto
nastia: I gess but brandy's performance is dominant.
katarzyna: monica so wins
nastia: dont you mean MOESHA
katarzyna: NO YOU FUCKING WHORE
katarzyna: NEVER SAY THAT SHIT AGAIN
katarzyna: THINK YOURE CLEVER DONT YOU BITCH

As far as I can tell, Brandy smokes crack in an alley while Monica tries to get an education. I know that Brandy says "You're the past and I'm the future" but I consistently misheard this for "You're the best in the future." What she really means is "Yeah I'm a whore and I want to fuck all the time. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to be successful later in life like I know you will be. So let's just say the boy is mine -- it's only fair because you're gonna go to college and be a doctor or some shit. See? You're the best in the future. Can I copy your earth science homework?"

Brandy can't read books because of her eyes being too far apart, so school is hard for her. All she can really do is fuck and sing (and neither is entirely unproblematic frankly) and had to give up her dream of being an oceanographer years ago. Monica now seems like the candidate to whom the boy should belong, but her pronunciation of "escape" screams of someone trying to be someone she's not. Embrace your hood roots, Monica, watch Xscape videos, and, well, just kick it.